i finally figured it out. what my life is all about.

i guess i was bound to be enlightened sooner or later. im glad that it happened sooner.

i guess it's true that you could never see things that are right in front of your eyes. that you are pathetically unaware of what your life is actually like when you see it from another's point of view. 

that you could never understand what other people have been telling you all along. why you rage against them and could not accept their opinion with regards to you and you mistake their concern for envy. they do not know you. they do not understand.

only, they do. they can see things clearly. and you cant.

my life's a vicious cycle. i never noticed it before until a few minutes ago and it came crushing down like a tidal wave. i still couldnt accept it but i knew it was true. when the realization hit, i knew, beyond any doubt, that it's true. it's real. it hurts so much it cant be anything but real.

ive met this girl. she's married. she has this beautiful son. she's been separated for a while but hasnt truly gotten over her man. she's going through tough times right now, and as usual, im there to lend a shoulder to lean on, if not a helping hand.

and then it happened. i was into her. but she didnt feel the same for me. i begged. for a chance. a sliver of hope. the slightest of opportunity. a moment to be heard. but i was denied. she wasnt being dismissive. but she was honest. and then it hit me. the realization.

this has happened before.

or rather, it's always been like this before. it has been a cycle that i never realized i was in. my life caught in a loop. and it hurts to realize what a fool ive been all this time.

all my life, ive been drawn to women who are in the direst of straits for no reason. i guess i fancy myself as some sort of knight in shining armor, ready to help every damsel in distress, hoping one of them would turn out to be my princess.

it was always like this. i would meet a girl who was broken. disillusioned. wallowing in depression. and i would feel bound to help. no matter what the cost. and every single time, id fall for her. the knight now dependent on the damsel. only i was never a knight. the circumstances just convinced me i was one. but every damsel could see through that. i wasnt their prince. so they would always push me away.

every single time.

ill find a girl. help her get over her problems. and then fall in love with her. only she could never reciprocate in kind.

i never realized that until just earlier. i kept putting myself in these situations. submitting myself to torture. it's obscene.

i could recall every single one. i could name every girl. and the realization of the volume and how it's been all the same overwhelms me.

so this has been my life all along? and it took me all this time to figure it out? how could i have not realized it before? what would my life have been like if only i realized it a few years sooner?

would i have finally broken through that vicious cycle and finally found true happiness?

all this time. wasted. making the same mistakes over and over again.

break the cycle. i must.

i could lose two fingers and i can still count them with one hand. how pathetic can you get?

im not actually losing a friend. he's just leaving. migrating. and it kinda sucks a bit especially since i only have a handful of people i really consider as friends.

but it practically is the same. we wont get to see each other. hang around together. ogle at women. drive around the metro at ungodly hours. drink beer. shoot pool. laze around. just one less seat to occupy. one less bottle of beer per round. one less laughter to hear when i crack a joke.

of course the friendship will remain. but will it change? i hope not. the problem with distance between any relationship is that the farther it is, the farther you are from each other's minds. other things fill up the gap in between.

when i had an aunt migrate to the US when i was a kid, the relationship changed. oh we still mailed and called each other, but it was more infrequent than before, you know? when back then, all we, or they, had to do, was to drive to each other's place over the weekend and stay the night.

but as the years passed, the calls and the mails became more infrequent (even with the advent of email). we kinda got used to the idea that we're so far from each other that we spent less and less effort to communicate with each other. we got used to not having the other around that we found something else to fill in each other's voids: new friends, new objects of interests.

i can see where my relationship with my friend is heading. he'll be just another voice on the end of the line. another name in my inbox. another face in a picture with no physical presence in my life.

i mean, no matter how hard you try to keep the relationship alive and vibrant, that's just how these things turn out. it's pointless to actually hold out. you know that that's how it's gonna end.

it's more pointless to count really.

dinner's pretty good wasnt it? havent seen nathan for quite a while. nice to see him back from singapore even if for just a while.

oo nga. hope we meet up more often like we used to before.

hmmm, i haven't heard peep from carlo the entire night. toxic ba sa work?

you know carlo. he might say he hates his work, but he still logs in more hours than any of his other teammates.

true. (pauses)

uhmmm. (pauses) is chris still single?

(raises an eyebrow). that's a leading question, jen.

wala lang. i just wanna know if he's still available.

and that's becauuuseee......?

hay naku, if you dont want to answer, eh di wag!

taray ah!

eh ikaw naman kasi.

ok, ok. he's still single. he needs to get laid though, as much as i do. (smiles)

bastos!

but honest (grins)

(both laughs)

so, youre still worried about carlo not proposing anytime soon, ha?

you might say that. although soon's way too optimistic considering...

(silence)

considering what? (pauses) there's something you're not telling me, jen.

(silence)

break na kami for 2 months.

what?

(silence)

'di nga? loko mo naman ako e. totoo?  what happened

dont wanna talk about it, 'lex.

sorry. 2 months, huh? how come you never told me?

you're the only one i've told this to so far. please dont tell anyone else. you know how much people know about us. and i don't wanna be the center of gossip right now.

i understand.

you're the only one who knows 'lex, ok? not even our families. not even ryan and the guys. i only trust you with this one.

really? wow, thanks. i appreciate it.

(silence)

and here i thought carlo was just lousy in bed and you wanna go at it with chris.

(both laughs)

that too.

really? he's lousy in bed? no wonder mayumi left him before.

(both laughs)

cant believe it. how can carlo just let two gorgeous women walk away from him just like that? any guy i know would kill to have a chance with you and mayumi.

long story.

i have time. (smiles)

sorry. your charm dont work on me, mister.

(flutters eyes and grins)

(laughs) stop that, you're giving me goosebumps.

(both laughs)

you know, when we're together like this, i always end up learning something.

really? like what?

well, you know, about guys being jerks, or that marriage is often the only assurance women have.

i remember that conversation of ours. so what have you learned this time?

i dunno. probably, that sometimes some people 'got everything' but they don't 'get it'. makes sense?

i'm driving 'lex. don't make me hit the car in front of us trying to figure what you're getting at(smiles)

(laughs) ok. anyway, you know quite a few people who have everything in life right? monied parents. cars. clothes. great schools. and they don't realize how damn lucky they are. they don't get it. and so they squander everything away. or they don't exert any effort to keep it. take you for example. i mean, look at you, you're hot. you're sexy. you turn heads whenever you walk by.

why thank you alex. (smiles)

 (smiles) you're welcome. but carlo, he doesn't notice that. he never realized how lucky he was to have you. i mean, he was able to go to the right school where women like you are everywhere. while the rest of us, we never have that chance unless something extraordinary happens. take a look at me for example; you're the only modelesque girl i personally know. while carlo, he's had two as his girlfriends. and still he doesnt get it.

easy alex. bp mo (smiles). i understand what you're saying. i'm flattered that you think of me that way. i do agree on everything you said but i guess that's how everything works. in carlo's eyes, im just another ordinary girl.

which is what he doesn't get. you're not just another ordinary girl.

thanks alex. you're so sweet. you never fail to make feel better. so you think chris would like to date me?

of course he would. especially if he gets to sleep with you on the second date.

bastos ka talaga! (laughs)

at least honest!

(both laughs).

 

 

 

personally, im not one to believe that violence can resolve conflict. the result may be immediate (one side wins, the other loses), but the long term effect may prove to be more disastrous (countries splitting apart, longterm war memories which seethe over the years, etc).

but i also believe that not everything can be worked through an open palm. sometimes, we need to hammer home solutions with a closed fist.

the abu sayyaf has been feeding off our softness. has the people forgotten how many innocent civilians they have killed with their relentless bombing in the south? have we forgotten the rizal day bombings? the countless civilians they have kidnapped and beheaded? the priests and the missionaries?

simply put, the abu sayyaf are terrorists. lawless elements that if they had operated within metro manila, would have been neutralized and even disposed of probably without a proper court trial.

they are not men fighting for a principle, equality or justice. they fight for money. that is their sole existence. money is their religion.

and yet, the bishops and senators are in an uproar over the clashes. gentlemen, these are not rebels fighting for a cause. they are killers. they should have been stopped a long time ago. it's laughable that we cannot handle a small group like theirs. a supposedly superior armed forces with the backing of a powerful western country and still they have embarrassed us in front of the international community time and again.

widows cry out to stop the escalation of a supposed war. but what is war? isnt war the playground of your husbands? they joined the army because theyre willing to put their lives at risk for the country. do you expect them to do less than die for their principles? i am sorry for your losses, but i am more proud because they died to save countless more lives. and now, you would rather let their sacrifices go to waste and let these beasts go to torment us more in the future? how many more widows, orphans, and parents deprived of their children would there be if we allowed that to happen?

there will be no end to this conflict unless these evil men meet their ends.