weird not having time to think my usual (unusual) thoughts anymore. my life's taking on shape of what a normal nearly 30ish guy should have: a life as a corporate professional.

you have meetings. you deal with bosses. you deal with subordinates. and it's tiring to maintain that level of professionalism and air of being in-the-know and being accessible but never bordering on being too personal. (which isnt hard being im as anti-social as people get).

i dont get to whine anymore. i cant act like im still a kid and be irresponsible. you have to watch the words that come out of your mouth. be professional and courteous but never get too personal and chummy with everyone.

you have to work, at the same time, check on other people's work. you have deliverables and at the same time you have to make sure that your people deliver theirs. you have to study not only your tasks but your people's task as well since you're the one they'll be asking if they need direction. you'll have to work on reports, go on meetings. you interview applicants and you train people as well. that's the life of a senior developer. which is why ive always wanted to stay a grunt.

as a grunt, i only had to worry about meeting my deadlines, not other peoples'. i come in, 8 hrs later, i'll be heading home. no OTs unless i need to meet a deadline. i was happy and content. but life caught up with me. it couldnt leave me happily dozing off in my corner cubicle.

why does life need to be so damn hard to live?

i dreamt of you last night. funny. i rarely dream at all. often, im wide awake when i do dream of you.

i cant remember what the dream was about. but i do remember your face. your laugh. you were talking to me (to me!). i guess it was one of my subconscious desires trying to get my attention. wishes unfulfilled.

last we've corresponded, you were happy. content with your man. i should be glad. after countless years and disappointing relationships, you've finally found love. it should be a consolation for me seeing you having that life you've always wanted. but im a greedy, selfish bastard, so you'll have to forgive me if i dont bask in your happiness.

but like you, im content with life, if not happy about it. i have most of what i need, except someone like you. but maybe this is my stock in life. frankly, i dont think anyone deserves a perfect life. even me. so there has to be some imperfection in it.

maybe i get to dream of you again tonight. that'd be perfect i think.